Being alone without feeling lonely.

Why is it so hard to sit down and write a post? I used to do this daily.. I used to pour everything meaningless thought. I can barely keep up at posting something once a month. *smh*

Maybe it's because the days seem to be going by faster? I keep trying to cram so much in so little time. I start to feel overwhelmed and I stop doing things that make me happy.

Selfish.

That is something I am not good at. But I've had to start doing in the last 2 months. Be mindful of my well-being and check-in to myself every now and then to make sure, am I truly ok with the way my life has turned out? I have to remember that I am the one who has to wake up and deal with whatever life throws at me, if it's good great, but if it sucks I gotta be able to deal with that on my own.

Since Calvin has been consumed with his parents visiting from HK it's been weird having to run errands on my own and doing life without him isn't as fun. I can't be selfish tho and I'm glad I encouraged him to spend time with them. Next month is our 2 year anniversary. Like have I really been with this guy that long and our relationship is still healthy and going strong?! Is this an adult relationship? Well I had to learn from my toxic past and not keep things inside.

EVERYTHING we go through is a learning curve. No matter how old you get.

I feel like I've strayed from what I initially started to blog about. I have no consistency in my writing right now. But at least I'm writing.

I wanna keep living. I wanna keep trying to be that woman  I thought I'd grow up to be. I feel like I'm close to being there. Open minded, strong-willed, compassionate.. care free..

Care free.. I'm still not quite there. I feel like I stress too much over things I shouldn't be. Every day is a new day. Things can only be bad for the moment but when you step back and count your blessings..

-Lisa Marie Lim

Have Fun.

I have too much clutter in my mind. Too much clutter and not even of a creative outlook to pour out my mind. Maybe that's why my OCD has gotten so bad.. I haven't had anything to relief the build up in my mind. Last Wednesday I finally convinced myself to take a hip hop dance class, it's been 3+ years since I've stepped in a studio or learned choreography. It's been so long since I've just danced.. 

I.. was.. SUPER AWKWARD. 

I kept telling myself to let loose but I was trying so hard to the get each 8 count down.. I was thinking "OMG you should've taken the Level 1, why'd you decide the Level 2" *face palm* 

Did I learn it perfectly? 

NO.

Did I fake it likedI knew it and danced and have fun?

YUP!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to take the class alone.Taking those classes was something my sister and I would've done together. But ever since we parted ways from the house.. I don't feel like I have a sister anymore.. because well she's no longer that person. (I'll save this for another blog.. by writing about it a little bit I'm still letting myself heal.. I hope.) 

I feel a slight more confidence in doing things alone and just going for it. Wanting to do something and not making any excuses but wanting to do it for ME. Even for that 1 hour in the class, no one knew who I was, my dance background history, everyone was there for ONE purpose. To enjoy dancing.

No one told me that when you become an adult and get a career that it's harder to make time for fun things like taking a dance class. My mind and body is exhausted from work but I did feel happy I got to do this. I'm so bad at making time for just fun. I'm not married (yet) or have kids. 

Keep living and keep striving.

-Lisa Marie Lim

Be Selfish.

I'm trying to start this blog but I'm feeling super rusty, typing and deleting, typing and deleting all over again. I have no structure in my writing right now. When I was younger I just wrote about my days but life was just so much more interesting when you're younger. At 26 I feel like my life is pretty established right now. I've worked really hard to become the woman that I am today and for the things I own and the relationships I have with others.

It wasn't easy getting here and all the decisions I made, the mistakes I had to face. Even all the regrets I have. I think when you get older the days seem to go by much faster. I feel like I had just rang in the New Year and now its June and it's already 85 degrees out. 

There's just too much to do in such little time..

I've been coping with my anxiety and finding ways to live with it. At this point now I'm just happy I don't get a panic attack everyday like I used to 3 years ago. It's great to think that I can't remember the last time I actually had one.

Self-care and self-love. I always thought life always need to be on the go. But reality is if you don't take the time to step back and stop for a moment then you'll only end up burning yourself out. Most importantly if you don't love yourself enough then what's the point in giving out love? Yes it's good to give but if you don't give to yourself.. you're only cheating yourself.

The person you should be in love with first is yourself.

-Lisa Marie Lim

When & How did we get here?

I feel like I've blinked and I'm now 26, with a career, paying rent/bills, making my own appointments and plans. I just read a few posts from my previous blog from when I first started on this site back in 2008, that's a decade ago! I'm amazed at myself for how mature I sounded, how eloquently I wrote and how "put together" I sounded. But was I really? Who was I trying to fool? I was so young back then.. when I wrote that blog I didn't think I'd get so much nostalgia reading it today.

As I went through each post, I wrote of my plans and I saw how much those plans kept changing. I did not know how to make up my mind. There was so many options, and I didn't know to implement them.

Then I got distracted with boys and drama.. I became lost without any goals or ambitions. I let relationships validate me.. I let my insecurities with wanting to fit in with "friends" break my sense of well-being. I can't go back and change anything.. all I can do now is look back and reflect. I have to remember I went through these struggles to get to this place today...

Where I am today? I am at peace and I am happy and comfortable with who I am as the person I've fought to become.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with this blog.. probably keep it a personal blog to just check in. It's nice to look back on something and reading your own thoughts and who you were in the past. To see growth.

In 10 years I have grown a whole lot as an individual.
What kind of person am I going to be in another 10 years?..

-Lisa Marie Lim

Clarity in 2018

Ok ok, I SUCK at blogging consistently.. but not gonna lie I hit a moment of darkness and soul searching during winter. I always find myself hitting a rut during that season.. but now that it's spring I've reached some clarity in my life.. 2018 started off so quickly and I can't believe that is it already May.

Time goes by so fast and what I've learned is I need to make the most of my days.

Life is so short.

Live in the moment.

Surround yourself with people who inspire you, who you can conversate and have conversation with content.

I'm going to make more an effort to my writing again. Writing had always been an outlet for me to put my thoughts together, to vent. But most importantly my writing was something that was for myself to look back again, to see my growth. To know that I'm still growing as an individual. I had some lost years from my blogs... but I'm promising to write more. Maybe I should find a blog challenge (actually stick to it)

Clarity is an amazing.. I feel like I'm seeing the world in a new perspective. I'm making more goals and I'm sticking to my promises.

-Lisa Marie Lim