2 month update

... and now my summer is over. I blogged a little about the car accident that happened.. I feel like my summer has been taken away from me. Having to focus on rehabilitation of my back.. fear of the tinglyness in my arm would never go away.. the obvious limp I had while walking. 

I'd be lying if I didn't say the mental toll started to kick in the few weeks of treatment.. feeling hopeless.. having to ask for help. I grew up just relying on myself a lot.. to feel helpless.. kind of .. broke my spirit. It felt hard to just be optimistic about things.. the things I normally did on a day to day basis I could no longer do without pain. 

I live with guilt too. 

Guilty that I am complaining.

Guilty that I have to ask for help. 

Guilty that I have I have to be taken away from work for rehab. 

Guilty that I feel so guilty when I need to be taking care of myself. 

I keep saying since the car accident I feel like I am starting at a zero. I'm naturally an active individual.. my life felt like it hit the brakes and it was telling me to slow down. My goals for lifting/running and my progress of getting mentally better just spiraled.

Ever since getting clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety.. seeing my psychiatrist and therapist.. trying to piece my life to understand why I am who I am today.. 

-sigh-

The feeling of being overwhelmed with all the doctor appointments, talking to my attorneys and trying to manage my home/family/social life. 

I should feel lucky tho.. I have so much support and love in my life.. years ago I would've never imagined to be where I am today.. I am grateful.. and whatever the future holds... I'll still be ok because I know now I am not alone in this fight.  

Big life update I forgot to mention!!!
Calvin moved in 2 weeks ago.. we would only see each other on the weekends, staying from his place to my place.. his stuff is all officially moved in, drawers and room organized and he says he feels at home now. Seeing him every day and knowing I'll see him get off work to "our home" feels nice. 3 years into our relationship and this being the most healthiest relationship.. it feels crazy to think this is type of relationship I prayed for.. and as we keep moving on forward he's made so many of my prayers come true. *super cheese* 

I've had a week off of work (I'm calling it my "stay-cation") It's sad to see what is happening in Hong Kong right now.. it's crazy to think we were supposed to be there right now.. and now we don't even know if Calvin's parents can fly to the states in October to visit for his Dad's birthday.. 

Everything is supposed to happen for a reason right? 

I'm trying to stay as optimistic as possible.. kindness will go a long way.. so I can only hope for. 

-Lisa Marie Lim 

3 week Update

How did 3 weeks already go by? I swear I just started this journey. Does time go by faster when you start to feel better?

Overall how do I feel? I feel more in control. I feel like my anxiety doesn't have to take over. I started to realize I was getting anxious over.. well.. to simply put it.. nothing.

It's like in week 5 brain hit a switch. I didn't realize how compulsive and how silly some of the things I did. Monday was my follow up appointment with my primary care to discuss how I am responding to the medications. It told her that I let the laundry sit for a day before folding it and putting things away.. the world didn't end.

I have mini panic attacks, nothing that I can just breath through. I don't feel like the world is caving in so much.

Music sounds different.. my own voice sounds different but in a good way. I mentioned this to Alesha and she said it can mean that I'm more alert, more aware.

Fast forward to life updates:
Traded my scion to get the lexus from my mom so she could use the scion to get her new mercedes. Yesterday I got in a car accident, a women rear ended me at a stop and then from that impact I hit the car in front of me. I was so in shock "like did that really happened?!"I have neck pain and left should pain now. I spent hours this morning with insurance companies.. I'm taking 2 days off work now to deal with all this.

I'm overwhelmed with the amount of people who reached out to check in on me.. why did I ever feel so alone. In the last year I was having a hard time opening myself up to people, I realized I was just opening up to the wrong people.

I'm finding a better balance. I know I'm doing better when I communicate better and I'm not hiding away. It's nice to feel reliable and to know that I will and can follow through.

Recovery is a long and fighting process.

-Lisa Marie Lim
(I will get better at updating)

3 day update

Friday May 31'st - I've mentioned before how my work is so short staffed. Pretty much got off work, Calvin got us mexican food for dinner.. I was fell asleep at around 9, I felt so drained out. I think this is from work. I took my anti-anxiety the night before and then I took it again this night to help me get some good sleep.

Saturday June 1st - Did hot yoga. Had a different instructor this day. I usually like Monica's class. Her yoga practice more zen yoga. The instructor we had this day kicked my ass. I try to only take up to 3 breaks this class I just wanted to lay down and take a nap. Saw a few new poses I wanted to try to get.

Then we decided to have a bbq dinner with steak, wings and veggies. I love having dinner with Calvin, Eric, and Alesha. We are like little family in this townhouse which makes this place feel even cozier.

Sunday June 2nd - super lazy day for me. I told Calvin I didn't want to leave the house today.. I realized I needed a fan.. it's way too hot. Go out to my car and saw that there was so many bird poops! It was like my car was a target for them... ha I went to target to buy a fan, got gas and a car wash.. this is a lot for some one like me to do by myself on a Sunday.

Calvin said he was happy to hear that I got out of the house, even if it meant to do just a few things. There are just somethings that I feel drain my energy. Calvin is an extrovert and I'm grateful to have a significant other like him to confide him in what I'm feeling.. so I always have to remind myself I am not alone.

Today - felt a bit dazed this morning. I haven't felt that way in a few days. It's the beginning of week 3 of this. Do I notice much of a difference? Meh.. kinda? I get spurts of moments where I feel good and then at the end I feel so tired. Could be my work load? A lot of factors to all of this.

Today was the first time I felt like I can breathe.. weird to say. But you know that feeling when you take a breath and all of sudden you're like "was I holding my breathe this entire time?" I get that a lot.. today I felt a calmness in my breathing. Didn't feel too anxious today.

I came home and took a 1 mile run. My mile time sucks but at least I'm running again. I just need to make it more of a habit. I'm grateful that the neighborhood we moved into feels safe to run around. I don't run with my phone or headphones in, I like to hear the sound of my foot on the pavement, heart my breathing, and cars driving by.

It makes me more mindful of my surroundings by doing this.

Ok, no more going longer than 3 days of blogging. I really really really tried to on Friday but my brain felt so fried like it was done for the work week and needed to be shut down.

I really want to use this blog as a tool to help me destress, track my mood but most importantly as something to look back on days when I am really struggling to see how far I've come.

My period is supposed to start any day now.. I just remember my last cycle being the worst and how heavy things had felt. My symptoms of PMDD didn't hit me so hard this time. I mean I feel bloated but that's normal for me.

Still waiting on making an appointment to see a therapist.. but so far I feel like I'm doing ok and my inner circle and family are what's really keeping me going and not hiding away.

-Lisa Marie Lim

The right combination?

Soo one of the side effects of my antidepressant is anxiety.. my anxiety medication I'm supposed to take "as needed". I didn't think trying to manage my anxiety along with depression was going to be so hard.. but it's definitely a balancing act.

I wrote that on Tuesday 5/28.

Yesterday was a good day mood wise from what I can recall. It was a busy work day and all I wanted to do was come home and sleep, which is what I did instead of blogging.

Today I had spurts of anxiety. I just realized I haven't taken my anxiety medication since last week. I really am trying to take it as needed. I'm already anxious about work tomorrow but at least it's gonna be Friday.

My mind is a race. I feel like this blog is all over the place and I don't know what else to write or what else to say about today..

-breathing-

-exhale-

-inhale-

Something as easy as breathing can feel heavy with a sense of relief.

I feel a mess but I am trying.

Tomorrow Calvin and I will lift and get dinner, I'll do yoga on Saturday morning and not quite sure what else we'll do but I'm looking forward to whatever we are gonna do. I can't wait for him to move in. It's gonna be another adventure for us.

-Lisa Marie Lim

Memorial Day Weekend

Today is Memorial Day, no work today to catch up on household chores. It's nice to have a long weekend but even with the extra day off I'm still trying to catch things up. Let me sum up the weekend.

Saturday - Hot yoga in the morning with Alesha. 2 months in and I finally got the crow pose down! I remember seeing this pose for the first time and thinking how?! Now that I'm practicing yoga and taking the meditation and breathing into my daily life it's really helped me with my anxiety. I'm really glad that Alesha took the challenge to join me too.

We hosted dinner at the townhouse (first time having guest over) Calvin's sister, Carol wanted to know when I would invite her over to see the place, so Calvin asked if we could host dinner and make hot pot. Ended up inviting Carol, Shane, Wilson (Calvin's childhood friend) and his gf Sharon, Eric and Alesha's original plans cancelled so they stayed home too. It felt so nice to have good company and a great space to host. 

Sunday morning - hiked Heather Lake with my Aunt Vannary, Eric and Alesha. I really need to get out into nature more. I can't wait to hike more this year. The view at the end of the hike is always worth it. It just makes you remember that in life you'll struggle but it's worth it in the end.

It's cool that Eric and I have a good/close relationship with our Aunt Vannary, she's 7 years older than me and being able to talk to her about life now and our family and striving to keep our family bond strong is amazing. Our family is huge, it's not perfect and it takes work. We have to be careful and keep the communication and bond strong.

After the hike we went to our Aunt Vanno's to eat banh xeo. I am a person that cannot do 2 activities at once but I really wanted banh xeo LOL. Luckily Eric and Alesha and I are on the same wave length and we always wanna go home at the same time.

Although Alesha and I did sneak off to Ross to look for storage stuff for the house. I love that she and I have become close. Seeing Eric and Alesha in a happy healthy relationship and growing as a couple is so great to see.

Today - laundry day/cleaning and I took a nap after Calvin left to go to work. I really needed a me/lazy stay at home day. Even if it was just doing laundry, binging on sappy netflix movies and sitting down to write this blog.. It's now 7:48 pm. Already almost time to go to bed. At least its a 4 day work week.

Oh yes one last thing! Neil is coming home at the end of June for a few weeks. This makes me so happy. I miss him lots and I'm excited that he stays with us and now we have a bigger home, it will feel so full with him here.

Today I had to up my dose of antidepressant from 1 pill to 2 pills. I know it can take 4-6 weeks to really "notice any changes." I feel good though. Things feel better. My period starts in a week and usually the week before my period is hard. So far, I'm coping ok.

-Lisa Marie Lim

Finally Friday

Day 4 Antidepressant / Day 3 Anti-Anxiety

I'm only keeping count of my days on antidepressants because after 7 days of taking 1 pill I have to up my dosage 2 a day.. I have terrible memory so this is my way of keeping track of it. 

Tonight I won't take my anti-anxiety medication, I usually feel better on the weekend with no stress of working. It's a 3 day weekend for me because the clinic is closed for memorial day. 

Today at work was stressful, we are short staffed RN's/MA's.. we have a new nurse at my clinic site, I ended rooming for both providers, I snapped once at my provider.. that was a first but it's frustrating.. (long story short we've had issues with the front desk scheduling our patients.. my job is not to schedule people and I end up having to do it anyways as a courtesy to our patient's access.) 

Overall mood feels lighter even with work being so stressful. The new nurse kept thanking me for being so patient with her and for helping her. I told her "she should've met me last year I was a huge ball of anxiousness, I"ve just learned to take it one day at a time and be present in the moment and not let something stress me out, no sense it getting all worked up." 

I've never worked at a place where i wanna hug all my coworkers so much. We chose to work at a job that is anything but easy. It's energy draining, it takes a lot of our compassion and care for our patients. I truly love what I get to do for work. I got pretty lucky working here. 

Anyways I'm writing this blog outside on the patio. It's cold out here, its 9pm. I've been wanting to do this for so long.. just write my thoughts and sit and listen to calm/cars drive by. I love where we live now, the neighborhoods feels safe because of all the old retirements and residentials here.

Calvin is inside right now watching a movie. I told him I needed about 30 minutes alone to write. I need to be consistent. We worked out when I had gotten home from work. I've always wanted a significant other to work out with so I'm glad we have this in common. Our health. Although we did just pig out on 3 large pizzas with Eric. It's balance! 

I'm doing better today. Tomorrow Calvin's sister Carol and her bf Shane are going to come over for hot pot. I love when we all get together to eat and this will be the first time she sees the townhouse and also to see where Calving will live after he moves out of their place together. I know Calvin said shes ok with him leaving and she does have her bf over a lot, I just want her to know that we will always stay close because family is everything.

-Lisa Marie Lim

Dazed / Alert

Day 3 Antidepressant / Day 2 Anti-Anxiety

Last night I had a hard time staying asleep. I feel asleep pretty quickly but I still found myself tossing and turning.. I wish my mind wasn't always racing. I got 6 hours of sleep again.

I drove to work feeling like a daze. It took a few hours to kind of snap out of it, or maybe my coffee finally just kicked in? I worked out during lunch, (I haven't worked out all week so that felt nice.)

I talked to my coworker about how I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I felt like I only had anxiety. It was weird to say it out loud but it's not know I have people around me that I can talk to. I just realized it's mental health awareness month.. I wish I had known that taking care of your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Physically I feel good, I can feel that what I'm doing is helping, I saw the numbers from my bloodwork and I am healthy on paper, I am "healthy" on my outer appearance.. but mentally, inside, I am falling apart and just trying to hold it all together.

I'm a composed individual. I've learned to keep it together for the other people around me.That wasn't a good idea because now it's just slowly eating away.

It's going to be okay. It's going to take time. I am going to get to the point where I will overcome all of this. I will understand this pain that I have and ya know what, the pain will surface but not like how it is now.

I have control and I know I've made it on the right path. I'm still learning to have the right people by my side. Once again, I am so grateful for my family.

*So much more I want to say but tomorrow's another blog.. I will see Calvin for the first time since my diagnosis.. and I know he was scared of me "changing" from going on medication.. and I told him I am being opened to this, I truly feel like I've tried EVERYTHING I can with out feeling completely helpless. I know I can't fight this alone.. I need his support as my partner.. his support its not all on him, I'm going to put up the fight to be better, not only for him but everyone else in my life too.

-Lisa Marie Lim

Day 2 of Antidepressant / Day 1 of Anti-Anxiety

My mood was better than yesterday. I got 6 hours of sleep. I felt like I was in a deep sleep though which is good. One plus side of my anti-anxiety medication is that it's an antihistamine (I have all year seasonal allergies, it's nice to be able to breathe clearly, so at least my allergy pill is one less pill I have to take.)

I got to work, vented to my coworkers because I knew I needed to get what happened with my sister last night off my chest before I started my shift (I work in a women's health clinic as a medical assistant) My patients well being comes first before my own. I try to leave my personal feelings out once I clock in. I am grateful for coworkers who listen.

I had spurts of anxiousness but nothing I couldn't get under control with my breathing exercises. (Although I did have someone text me something that just threw me for a whirl and got Calvin involved.. anyway irrelevant. I need to move on from some people. We shared good memories but I cannot invest my time energy when other people want to make everything all about them. I live in this world too..)

When I think about it.. I don't have a best friend. I don't even have a circle of friends. I admit I've become shut off because I've been betrayed so much by friendship that I am truly tired of opening up my life to others. I'm really protective of my time because I've wasted a hell of a lot of it on the wrong people.

I got home and talked to my cousin Eric. Today was the first time I've talked to him in person about how I'm mentally struggling. He listened, let me vent. Also gave me reassurance. I'm glad we decided to take the leap and move out to live together. It's the dream since we were younger and now we are living it. Eric saved me last year.. I don't think he knows how much of an impact he did to help me out.

TOGETHER WE THRIVE - this is the motto in our home. We've grown so much in the last year alone but we couldn't have done without continuing to support, love, and care for each other. Once again I am grateful.

Although I feel like I have to really force myself to sit down and write in this blog. It's only day 2.. I can do this. I have to. This is only the beginning for me. I will recover and heal.

-Lisa Marie Lim

Back here again..

I started to hand write in a journal but ya know.. I type a lot faster than I do at writing by hand and I can get my thoughts out a lot more so I'm back here again. Last blog here was 5 months ago.. more has happened and the main reason why I decided to return to blogging again is because I've had to face a hard truth.

I've known for years that I've had anxiety and I've kind of just been "dealing with it". I do what anyone else would do, I google ways to cope with it. I work out, I started practicing yoga for the last 2 months, I take my vitamins, I meditate and pray.. but it's still not enough.

I started blaming it on my period, oh it's just my hormones, symptoms of PMDD. Than it started to become a pattern. I was finding myself to be easily irritable, I find myself starting to become more and more anxious. I cry more than I usually do and I'm a lot more sensitive. Can it be all the trauma I dealt with in the past is catching up to me because I chose to not face it the right way and now I'm not coping as well?

I made a doctor's appointment, I wrote down "menstrual mood/anxiety". After explaining to my doctor what what going on, did a screening test for depression. (I work in health care, I tried my best to answer as truthfully as I could and I found it to be very difficult.) After many tears and the doctor listening and I can see she's ready to diagnose me, I not only have anxiety but I have mild depression. She prescribed and antidepressant and and anti-anxiety medication and I'll be seeking counseling to assess my mood.

I left the appointment with some relief but shocked with the diagnosis of depression..  I circled a zero when I said I have no interest in doing anything.. I get up everyday and I live my life. I work out at least 5x a week.

Depression doesn't have a face..

Last night was day 1 of taking the antidepressant, I chose to not take the anti-anxiety because I wasn't feeling ready to try both at the same time but the pharmacist said it may take awhile to feel a difference (in doing my own research it can take up to 4-6 weeks) I read the side effects.. one of them is feeling anxious. OH cool. So today at work I had spurts of feeling anxiousness. *I feel like I'm just a bottle of anxiety*

It's currently 10:15 pm, I decided I'm going to take the anti-anxiety medication (side effects of taking both together - sleepiness) I took both about 20 minutes ago and I am sleepy but maybe because its past my actual bedtime.

Tomorrow is another day and I can do this.

Today after work I went to my parents house and my sister (who I haven't seen or spoken to in over a year was there) Long story short, Sunday morning my mom woke up with severe vertigo, she called me at 7 am in a panic I rush over to take care of her and take her to urgent care. Turns out she had a crystal particle stuck in her ear which was causing her to have this vertigo. That was my worst fear.. my mom being sick. Thankfully it past and I was able to take care of her and advise my dad on what do when I left.

I promised myself I would only reach out to my sister if it was a family matter, it took her 13 hours to respond but at least she kept her word to see my mom today. I won't go into too much detail because I want to keep this blog as a way to document my mood, but I need to have details to recall of what happened during the day.

I know that seeing my sister today was a trigger. I'm still upset with what happened a year ago, but I'm still moving on. It's going to take time. I just hope she realized with mom being sick she needs realize how important family really is.

I am in a safe and healthy relationship. I have a home with my cousin and his gf who has literally become family to me. My bond with my family is stronger than ever. I have a steady career and I'm pursuing my goals.

It's going to get better.

-Lisa Marie Lim

Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019

New Year, New Goals.

I just finished transcribing into my new planner for the year and I was reflecting on how 2018 was.. and there was a lot of changes.

I moved twice due to a bad situation and because of this situation I have now lost contact with my sister. She's still alive, but it's weird to grief over someone who is still alive but she is no longer the sister I know. She's chosen a life and a relationship that I don't agree with. I learned that you can't force someone to live a better life if they don't choose to themselves. I have been sad / heart broken over it for the last 6 months but I cannot no longer dwell on getting a relationship back with her when she is no longer herself..

I got closer to my parents. It took me moving out of their home for us to get closer. Funny how that works out. Generally speaking I've become closer to my whole family. I text my aunts and uncles more for advice. I hug and play with my little cousins any chance I get. I can only hope that I've become a role model to them and as they grow older I can be there for them if they can't go to their parents.

My relationship with Calvin has grown so much. We spend every weekend together but as the years have gone by our lives are becoming even more intertwined. I feel so lucky that this holiday season that we both were able to spend so much time with our family. Although my family is bigger than Calvin's but his family is very tight knit on having family dinners and celebrating holidays.

I tend to get the winter blues badly. I get so depressive to the point where I can't even get out of bed. Years ago I even felt suicidal. I am so grateful to be around not only my family but around Calvin's too. The amount of love and joy we've had in the last month and all the memories we made had felt like my saving grace.

I am so grateful for so much.

I can't wait for the next year. To accomplish more things. Go on new adventures. Checking in with my mental health. Checking in with my family and friends. To see where my career will take me.

I'm going to take more pictures so I can begin scrapbooking. Start vlogging and documenting our adventures. I'm determined to stay inspired and to keep positive vibes around.

Another goal is to keep this blog update at least once a month. It always feels good to finish a post and to get my thoughts out of my brain.

-Lisa Marie Lim