Back here again..

I started to hand write in a journal but ya know.. I type a lot faster than I do at writing by hand and I can get my thoughts out a lot more so I'm back here again. Last blog here was 5 months ago.. more has happened and the main reason why I decided to return to blogging again is because I've had to face a hard truth.

I've known for years that I've had anxiety and I've kind of just been "dealing with it". I do what anyone else would do, I google ways to cope with it. I work out, I started practicing yoga for the last 2 months, I take my vitamins, I meditate and pray.. but it's still not enough.

I started blaming it on my period, oh it's just my hormones, symptoms of PMDD. Than it started to become a pattern. I was finding myself to be easily irritable, I find myself starting to become more and more anxious. I cry more than I usually do and I'm a lot more sensitive. Can it be all the trauma I dealt with in the past is catching up to me because I chose to not face it the right way and now I'm not coping as well?

I made a doctor's appointment, I wrote down "menstrual mood/anxiety". After explaining to my doctor what what going on, did a screening test for depression. (I work in health care, I tried my best to answer as truthfully as I could and I found it to be very difficult.) After many tears and the doctor listening and I can see she's ready to diagnose me, I not only have anxiety but I have mild depression. She prescribed and antidepressant and and anti-anxiety medication and I'll be seeking counseling to assess my mood.

I left the appointment with some relief but shocked with the diagnosis of depression..  I circled a zero when I said I have no interest in doing anything.. I get up everyday and I live my life. I work out at least 5x a week.

Depression doesn't have a face..

Last night was day 1 of taking the antidepressant, I chose to not take the anti-anxiety because I wasn't feeling ready to try both at the same time but the pharmacist said it may take awhile to feel a difference (in doing my own research it can take up to 4-6 weeks) I read the side effects.. one of them is feeling anxious. OH cool. So today at work I had spurts of feeling anxiousness. *I feel like I'm just a bottle of anxiety*

It's currently 10:15 pm, I decided I'm going to take the anti-anxiety medication (side effects of taking both together - sleepiness) I took both about 20 minutes ago and I am sleepy but maybe because its past my actual bedtime.

Tomorrow is another day and I can do this.

Today after work I went to my parents house and my sister (who I haven't seen or spoken to in over a year was there) Long story short, Sunday morning my mom woke up with severe vertigo, she called me at 7 am in a panic I rush over to take care of her and take her to urgent care. Turns out she had a crystal particle stuck in her ear which was causing her to have this vertigo. That was my worst fear.. my mom being sick. Thankfully it past and I was able to take care of her and advise my dad on what do when I left.

I promised myself I would only reach out to my sister if it was a family matter, it took her 13 hours to respond but at least she kept her word to see my mom today. I won't go into too much detail because I want to keep this blog as a way to document my mood, but I need to have details to recall of what happened during the day.

I know that seeing my sister today was a trigger. I'm still upset with what happened a year ago, but I'm still moving on. It's going to take time. I just hope she realized with mom being sick she needs realize how important family really is.

I am in a safe and healthy relationship. I have a home with my cousin and his gf who has literally become family to me. My bond with my family is stronger than ever. I have a steady career and I'm pursuing my goals.

It's going to get better.

-Lisa Marie Lim