Soo one of the side effects of my antidepressant is anxiety.. my anxiety medication I'm supposed to take "as needed". I didn't think trying to manage my anxiety along with depression was going to be so hard.. but it's definitely a balancing act.
I wrote that on Tuesday 5/28.
Yesterday was a good day mood wise from what I can recall. It was a busy work day and all I wanted to do was come home and sleep, which is what I did instead of blogging.
Today I had spurts of anxiety. I just realized I haven't taken my anxiety medication since last week. I really am trying to take it as needed. I'm already anxious about work tomorrow but at least it's gonna be Friday.
My mind is a race. I feel like this blog is all over the place and I don't know what else to write or what else to say about today..
-breathing-
-exhale-
-inhale-
Something as easy as breathing can feel heavy with a sense of relief.
I feel a mess but I am trying.
Tomorrow Calvin and I will lift and get dinner, I'll do yoga on Saturday morning and not quite sure what else we'll do but I'm looking forward to whatever we are gonna do. I can't wait for him to move in. It's gonna be another adventure for us.
-Lisa Marie Lim
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Monday, May 27, 2019
Memorial Day Weekend
Today is Memorial Day, no work today to catch up on household chores. It's nice to have a long weekend but even with the extra day off I'm still trying to catch things up. Let me sum up the weekend.
Saturday - Hot yoga in the morning with Alesha. 2 months in and I finally got the crow pose down! I remember seeing this pose for the first time and thinking how?! Now that I'm practicing yoga and taking the meditation and breathing into my daily life it's really helped me with my anxiety. I'm really glad that Alesha took the challenge to join me too.
We hosted dinner at the townhouse (first time having guest over) Calvin's sister, Carol wanted to know when I would invite her over to see the place, so Calvin asked if we could host dinner and make hot pot. Ended up inviting Carol, Shane, Wilson (Calvin's childhood friend) and his gf Sharon, Eric and Alesha's original plans cancelled so they stayed home too. It felt so nice to have good company and a great space to host.
Sunday morning - hiked Heather Lake with my Aunt Vannary, Eric and Alesha. I really need to get out into nature more. I can't wait to hike more this year. The view at the end of the hike is always worth it. It just makes you remember that in life you'll struggle but it's worth it in the end.
It's cool that Eric and I have a good/close relationship with our Aunt Vannary, she's 7 years older than me and being able to talk to her about life now and our family and striving to keep our family bond strong is amazing. Our family is huge, it's not perfect and it takes work. We have to be careful and keep the communication and bond strong.
After the hike we went to our Aunt Vanno's to eat banh xeo. I am a person that cannot do 2 activities at once but I really wanted banh xeo LOL. Luckily Eric and Alesha and I are on the same wave length and we always wanna go home at the same time.
Although Alesha and I did sneak off to Ross to look for storage stuff for the house. I love that she and I have become close. Seeing Eric and Alesha in a happy healthy relationship and growing as a couple is so great to see.
Today - laundry day/cleaning and I took a nap after Calvin left to go to work. I really needed a me/lazy stay at home day. Even if it was just doing laundry, binging on sappy netflix movies and sitting down to write this blog.. It's now 7:48 pm. Already almost time to go to bed. At least its a 4 day work week.
Oh yes one last thing! Neil is coming home at the end of June for a few weeks. This makes me so happy. I miss him lots and I'm excited that he stays with us and now we have a bigger home, it will feel so full with him here.
Today I had to up my dose of antidepressant from 1 pill to 2 pills. I know it can take 4-6 weeks to really "notice any changes." I feel good though. Things feel better. My period starts in a week and usually the week before my period is hard. So far, I'm coping ok.
-Lisa Marie Lim
Saturday - Hot yoga in the morning with Alesha. 2 months in and I finally got the crow pose down! I remember seeing this pose for the first time and thinking how?! Now that I'm practicing yoga and taking the meditation and breathing into my daily life it's really helped me with my anxiety. I'm really glad that Alesha took the challenge to join me too.
We hosted dinner at the townhouse (first time having guest over) Calvin's sister, Carol wanted to know when I would invite her over to see the place, so Calvin asked if we could host dinner and make hot pot. Ended up inviting Carol, Shane, Wilson (Calvin's childhood friend) and his gf Sharon, Eric and Alesha's original plans cancelled so they stayed home too. It felt so nice to have good company and a great space to host.
Sunday morning - hiked Heather Lake with my Aunt Vannary, Eric and Alesha. I really need to get out into nature more. I can't wait to hike more this year. The view at the end of the hike is always worth it. It just makes you remember that in life you'll struggle but it's worth it in the end.
It's cool that Eric and I have a good/close relationship with our Aunt Vannary, she's 7 years older than me and being able to talk to her about life now and our family and striving to keep our family bond strong is amazing. Our family is huge, it's not perfect and it takes work. We have to be careful and keep the communication and bond strong.
After the hike we went to our Aunt Vanno's to eat banh xeo. I am a person that cannot do 2 activities at once but I really wanted banh xeo LOL. Luckily Eric and Alesha and I are on the same wave length and we always wanna go home at the same time.
Although Alesha and I did sneak off to Ross to look for storage stuff for the house. I love that she and I have become close. Seeing Eric and Alesha in a happy healthy relationship and growing as a couple is so great to see.
Today - laundry day/cleaning and I took a nap after Calvin left to go to work. I really needed a me/lazy stay at home day. Even if it was just doing laundry, binging on sappy netflix movies and sitting down to write this blog.. It's now 7:48 pm. Already almost time to go to bed. At least its a 4 day work week.
Oh yes one last thing! Neil is coming home at the end of June for a few weeks. This makes me so happy. I miss him lots and I'm excited that he stays with us and now we have a bigger home, it will feel so full with him here.
Today I had to up my dose of antidepressant from 1 pill to 2 pills. I know it can take 4-6 weeks to really "notice any changes." I feel good though. Things feel better. My period starts in a week and usually the week before my period is hard. So far, I'm coping ok.
-Lisa Marie Lim
Friday, May 24, 2019
Finally Friday
Day 4 Antidepressant / Day 3 Anti-Anxiety
I'm only keeping count of my days on antidepressants because after 7 days of taking 1 pill I have to up my dosage 2 a day.. I have terrible memory so this is my way of keeping track of it.
Tonight I won't take my anti-anxiety medication, I usually feel better on the weekend with no stress of working. It's a 3 day weekend for me because the clinic is closed for memorial day.
Today at work was stressful, we are short staffed RN's/MA's.. we have a new nurse at my clinic site, I ended rooming for both providers, I snapped once at my provider.. that was a first but it's frustrating.. (long story short we've had issues with the front desk scheduling our patients.. my job is not to schedule people and I end up having to do it anyways as a courtesy to our patient's access.)
Overall mood feels lighter even with work being so stressful. The new nurse kept thanking me for being so patient with her and for helping her. I told her "she should've met me last year I was a huge ball of anxiousness, I"ve just learned to take it one day at a time and be present in the moment and not let something stress me out, no sense it getting all worked up."
I've never worked at a place where i wanna hug all my coworkers so much. We chose to work at a job that is anything but easy. It's energy draining, it takes a lot of our compassion and care for our patients. I truly love what I get to do for work. I got pretty lucky working here.
Anyways I'm writing this blog outside on the patio. It's cold out here, its 9pm. I've been wanting to do this for so long.. just write my thoughts and sit and listen to calm/cars drive by. I love where we live now, the neighborhoods feels safe because of all the old retirements and residentials here.
Calvin is inside right now watching a movie. I told him I needed about 30 minutes alone to write. I need to be consistent. We worked out when I had gotten home from work. I've always wanted a significant other to work out with so I'm glad we have this in common. Our health. Although we did just pig out on 3 large pizzas with Eric. It's balance!
I'm doing better today. Tomorrow Calvin's sister Carol and her bf Shane are going to come over for hot pot. I love when we all get together to eat and this will be the first time she sees the townhouse and also to see where Calving will live after he moves out of their place together. I know Calvin said shes ok with him leaving and she does have her bf over a lot, I just want her to know that we will always stay close because family is everything.
-Lisa Marie Lim
I'm only keeping count of my days on antidepressants because after 7 days of taking 1 pill I have to up my dosage 2 a day.. I have terrible memory so this is my way of keeping track of it.
Tonight I won't take my anti-anxiety medication, I usually feel better on the weekend with no stress of working. It's a 3 day weekend for me because the clinic is closed for memorial day.
Today at work was stressful, we are short staffed RN's/MA's.. we have a new nurse at my clinic site, I ended rooming for both providers, I snapped once at my provider.. that was a first but it's frustrating.. (long story short we've had issues with the front desk scheduling our patients.. my job is not to schedule people and I end up having to do it anyways as a courtesy to our patient's access.)
Overall mood feels lighter even with work being so stressful. The new nurse kept thanking me for being so patient with her and for helping her. I told her "she should've met me last year I was a huge ball of anxiousness, I"ve just learned to take it one day at a time and be present in the moment and not let something stress me out, no sense it getting all worked up."
I've never worked at a place where i wanna hug all my coworkers so much. We chose to work at a job that is anything but easy. It's energy draining, it takes a lot of our compassion and care for our patients. I truly love what I get to do for work. I got pretty lucky working here.
Anyways I'm writing this blog outside on the patio. It's cold out here, its 9pm. I've been wanting to do this for so long.. just write my thoughts and sit and listen to calm/cars drive by. I love where we live now, the neighborhoods feels safe because of all the old retirements and residentials here.
Calvin is inside right now watching a movie. I told him I needed about 30 minutes alone to write. I need to be consistent. We worked out when I had gotten home from work. I've always wanted a significant other to work out with so I'm glad we have this in common. Our health. Although we did just pig out on 3 large pizzas with Eric. It's balance!
I'm doing better today. Tomorrow Calvin's sister Carol and her bf Shane are going to come over for hot pot. I love when we all get together to eat and this will be the first time she sees the townhouse and also to see where Calving will live after he moves out of their place together. I know Calvin said shes ok with him leaving and she does have her bf over a lot, I just want her to know that we will always stay close because family is everything.
-Lisa Marie Lim
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Dazed / Alert
Day 3 Antidepressant / Day 2 Anti-Anxiety
Last night I had a hard time staying asleep. I feel asleep pretty quickly but I still found myself tossing and turning.. I wish my mind wasn't always racing. I got 6 hours of sleep again.
I drove to work feeling like a daze. It took a few hours to kind of snap out of it, or maybe my coffee finally just kicked in? I worked out during lunch, (I haven't worked out all week so that felt nice.)
I talked to my coworker about how I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I felt like I only had anxiety. It was weird to say it out loud but it's not know I have people around me that I can talk to. I just realized it's mental health awareness month.. I wish I had known that taking care of your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Physically I feel good, I can feel that what I'm doing is helping, I saw the numbers from my bloodwork and I am healthy on paper, I am "healthy" on my outer appearance.. but mentally, inside, I am falling apart and just trying to hold it all together.
I'm a composed individual. I've learned to keep it together for the other people around me.That wasn't a good idea because now it's just slowly eating away.
It's going to be okay. It's going to take time. I am going to get to the point where I will overcome all of this. I will understand this pain that I have and ya know what, the pain will surface but not like how it is now.
I have control and I know I've made it on the right path. I'm still learning to have the right people by my side. Once again, I am so grateful for my family.
*So much more I want to say but tomorrow's another blog.. I will see Calvin for the first time since my diagnosis.. and I know he was scared of me "changing" from going on medication.. and I told him I am being opened to this, I truly feel like I've tried EVERYTHING I can with out feeling completely helpless. I know I can't fight this alone.. I need his support as my partner.. his support its not all on him, I'm going to put up the fight to be better, not only for him but everyone else in my life too.
-Lisa Marie Lim
Last night I had a hard time staying asleep. I feel asleep pretty quickly but I still found myself tossing and turning.. I wish my mind wasn't always racing. I got 6 hours of sleep again.
I drove to work feeling like a daze. It took a few hours to kind of snap out of it, or maybe my coffee finally just kicked in? I worked out during lunch, (I haven't worked out all week so that felt nice.)
I talked to my coworker about how I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I felt like I only had anxiety. It was weird to say it out loud but it's not know I have people around me that I can talk to. I just realized it's mental health awareness month.. I wish I had known that taking care of your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Physically I feel good, I can feel that what I'm doing is helping, I saw the numbers from my bloodwork and I am healthy on paper, I am "healthy" on my outer appearance.. but mentally, inside, I am falling apart and just trying to hold it all together.
I'm a composed individual. I've learned to keep it together for the other people around me.That wasn't a good idea because now it's just slowly eating away.
It's going to be okay. It's going to take time. I am going to get to the point where I will overcome all of this. I will understand this pain that I have and ya know what, the pain will surface but not like how it is now.
I have control and I know I've made it on the right path. I'm still learning to have the right people by my side. Once again, I am so grateful for my family.
*So much more I want to say but tomorrow's another blog.. I will see Calvin for the first time since my diagnosis.. and I know he was scared of me "changing" from going on medication.. and I told him I am being opened to this, I truly feel like I've tried EVERYTHING I can with out feeling completely helpless. I know I can't fight this alone.. I need his support as my partner.. his support its not all on him, I'm going to put up the fight to be better, not only for him but everyone else in my life too.
-Lisa Marie Lim
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Day 2 of Antidepressant / Day 1 of Anti-Anxiety
My mood was better than yesterday. I got 6 hours of sleep. I felt like I was in a deep sleep though which is good. One plus side of my anti-anxiety medication is that it's an antihistamine (I have all year seasonal allergies, it's nice to be able to breathe clearly, so at least my allergy pill is one less pill I have to take.)
I got to work, vented to my coworkers because I knew I needed to get what happened with my sister last night off my chest before I started my shift (I work in a women's health clinic as a medical assistant) My patients well being comes first before my own. I try to leave my personal feelings out once I clock in. I am grateful for coworkers who listen.
I had spurts of anxiousness but nothing I couldn't get under control with my breathing exercises. (Although I did have someone text me something that just threw me for a whirl and got Calvin involved.. anyway irrelevant. I need to move on from some people. We shared good memories but I cannot invest my time energy when other people want to make everything all about them. I live in this world too..)
When I think about it.. I don't have a best friend. I don't even have a circle of friends. I admit I've become shut off because I've been betrayed so much by friendship that I am truly tired of opening up my life to others. I'm really protective of my time because I've wasted a hell of a lot of it on the wrong people.
I got home and talked to my cousin Eric. Today was the first time I've talked to him in person about how I'm mentally struggling. He listened, let me vent. Also gave me reassurance. I'm glad we decided to take the leap and move out to live together. It's the dream since we were younger and now we are living it. Eric saved me last year.. I don't think he knows how much of an impact he did to help me out.
TOGETHER WE THRIVE - this is the motto in our home. We've grown so much in the last year alone but we couldn't have done without continuing to support, love, and care for each other. Once again I am grateful.
Although I feel like I have to really force myself to sit down and write in this blog. It's only day 2.. I can do this. I have to. This is only the beginning for me. I will recover and heal.
-Lisa Marie Lim
I got to work, vented to my coworkers because I knew I needed to get what happened with my sister last night off my chest before I started my shift (I work in a women's health clinic as a medical assistant) My patients well being comes first before my own. I try to leave my personal feelings out once I clock in. I am grateful for coworkers who listen.
I had spurts of anxiousness but nothing I couldn't get under control with my breathing exercises. (Although I did have someone text me something that just threw me for a whirl and got Calvin involved.. anyway irrelevant. I need to move on from some people. We shared good memories but I cannot invest my time energy when other people want to make everything all about them. I live in this world too..)
When I think about it.. I don't have a best friend. I don't even have a circle of friends. I admit I've become shut off because I've been betrayed so much by friendship that I am truly tired of opening up my life to others. I'm really protective of my time because I've wasted a hell of a lot of it on the wrong people.
I got home and talked to my cousin Eric. Today was the first time I've talked to him in person about how I'm mentally struggling. He listened, let me vent. Also gave me reassurance. I'm glad we decided to take the leap and move out to live together. It's the dream since we were younger and now we are living it. Eric saved me last year.. I don't think he knows how much of an impact he did to help me out.
TOGETHER WE THRIVE - this is the motto in our home. We've grown so much in the last year alone but we couldn't have done without continuing to support, love, and care for each other. Once again I am grateful.
Although I feel like I have to really force myself to sit down and write in this blog. It's only day 2.. I can do this. I have to. This is only the beginning for me. I will recover and heal.
-Lisa Marie Lim
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Back here again..
I started to hand write in a journal but ya know.. I type a lot faster than I do at writing by hand and I can get my thoughts out a lot more so I'm back here again. Last blog here was 5 months ago.. more has happened and the main reason why I decided to return to blogging again is because I've had to face a hard truth.
I've known for years that I've had anxiety and I've kind of just been "dealing with it". I do what anyone else would do, I google ways to cope with it. I work out, I started practicing yoga for the last 2 months, I take my vitamins, I meditate and pray.. but it's still not enough.
I started blaming it on my period, oh it's just my hormones, symptoms of PMDD. Than it started to become a pattern. I was finding myself to be easily irritable, I find myself starting to become more and more anxious. I cry more than I usually do and I'm a lot more sensitive. Can it be all the trauma I dealt with in the past is catching up to me because I chose to not face it the right way and now I'm not coping as well?
I made a doctor's appointment, I wrote down "menstrual mood/anxiety". After explaining to my doctor what what going on, did a screening test for depression. (I work in health care, I tried my best to answer as truthfully as I could and I found it to be very difficult.) After many tears and the doctor listening and I can see she's ready to diagnose me, I not only have anxiety but I have mild depression. She prescribed and antidepressant and and anti-anxiety medication and I'll be seeking counseling to assess my mood.
I left the appointment with some relief but shocked with the diagnosis of depression.. I circled a zero when I said I have no interest in doing anything.. I get up everyday and I live my life. I work out at least 5x a week.
Depression doesn't have a face..
Last night was day 1 of taking the antidepressant, I chose to not take the anti-anxiety because I wasn't feeling ready to try both at the same time but the pharmacist said it may take awhile to feel a difference (in doing my own research it can take up to 4-6 weeks) I read the side effects.. one of them is feeling anxious. OH cool. So today at work I had spurts of feeling anxiousness. *I feel like I'm just a bottle of anxiety*
It's currently 10:15 pm, I decided I'm going to take the anti-anxiety medication (side effects of taking both together - sleepiness) I took both about 20 minutes ago and I am sleepy but maybe because its past my actual bedtime.
Tomorrow is another day and I can do this.
Today after work I went to my parents house and my sister (who I haven't seen or spoken to in over a year was there) Long story short, Sunday morning my mom woke up with severe vertigo, she called me at 7 am in a panic I rush over to take care of her and take her to urgent care. Turns out she had a crystal particle stuck in her ear which was causing her to have this vertigo. That was my worst fear.. my mom being sick. Thankfully it past and I was able to take care of her and advise my dad on what do when I left.
I promised myself I would only reach out to my sister if it was a family matter, it took her 13 hours to respond but at least she kept her word to see my mom today. I won't go into too much detail because I want to keep this blog as a way to document my mood, but I need to have details to recall of what happened during the day.
I know that seeing my sister today was a trigger. I'm still upset with what happened a year ago, but I'm still moving on. It's going to take time. I just hope she realized with mom being sick she needs realize how important family really is.
I am in a safe and healthy relationship. I have a home with my cousin and his gf who has literally become family to me. My bond with my family is stronger than ever. I have a steady career and I'm pursuing my goals.
It's going to get better.
-Lisa Marie Lim
I've known for years that I've had anxiety and I've kind of just been "dealing with it". I do what anyone else would do, I google ways to cope with it. I work out, I started practicing yoga for the last 2 months, I take my vitamins, I meditate and pray.. but it's still not enough.
I started blaming it on my period, oh it's just my hormones, symptoms of PMDD. Than it started to become a pattern. I was finding myself to be easily irritable, I find myself starting to become more and more anxious. I cry more than I usually do and I'm a lot more sensitive. Can it be all the trauma I dealt with in the past is catching up to me because I chose to not face it the right way and now I'm not coping as well?
I made a doctor's appointment, I wrote down "menstrual mood/anxiety". After explaining to my doctor what what going on, did a screening test for depression. (I work in health care, I tried my best to answer as truthfully as I could and I found it to be very difficult.) After many tears and the doctor listening and I can see she's ready to diagnose me, I not only have anxiety but I have mild depression. She prescribed and antidepressant and and anti-anxiety medication and I'll be seeking counseling to assess my mood.
I left the appointment with some relief but shocked with the diagnosis of depression.. I circled a zero when I said I have no interest in doing anything.. I get up everyday and I live my life. I work out at least 5x a week.
Depression doesn't have a face..
Last night was day 1 of taking the antidepressant, I chose to not take the anti-anxiety because I wasn't feeling ready to try both at the same time but the pharmacist said it may take awhile to feel a difference (in doing my own research it can take up to 4-6 weeks) I read the side effects.. one of them is feeling anxious. OH cool. So today at work I had spurts of feeling anxiousness. *I feel like I'm just a bottle of anxiety*
It's currently 10:15 pm, I decided I'm going to take the anti-anxiety medication (side effects of taking both together - sleepiness) I took both about 20 minutes ago and I am sleepy but maybe because its past my actual bedtime.
Tomorrow is another day and I can do this.
Today after work I went to my parents house and my sister (who I haven't seen or spoken to in over a year was there) Long story short, Sunday morning my mom woke up with severe vertigo, she called me at 7 am in a panic I rush over to take care of her and take her to urgent care. Turns out she had a crystal particle stuck in her ear which was causing her to have this vertigo. That was my worst fear.. my mom being sick. Thankfully it past and I was able to take care of her and advise my dad on what do when I left.
I promised myself I would only reach out to my sister if it was a family matter, it took her 13 hours to respond but at least she kept her word to see my mom today. I won't go into too much detail because I want to keep this blog as a way to document my mood, but I need to have details to recall of what happened during the day.
I know that seeing my sister today was a trigger. I'm still upset with what happened a year ago, but I'm still moving on. It's going to take time. I just hope she realized with mom being sick she needs realize how important family really is.
I am in a safe and healthy relationship. I have a home with my cousin and his gf who has literally become family to me. My bond with my family is stronger than ever. I have a steady career and I'm pursuing my goals.
It's going to get better.
-Lisa Marie Lim
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